MANY A TRUE WORD SPOKEN IN JEST

THE BARBER

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.

PENIS COMPLAINT

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following r

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

                       After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shif

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

You will retire well before you are 65

You are unable to work double shi

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags

Sincerely, V. Gina

OFFICE GIRL

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!

THREE DOCTORS

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting. The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

SADDAM & CLINTON MEET

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.
When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face.
Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.
Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.
At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."
They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks.
Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.

Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.
Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."
They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.
Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.
Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "Fuck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."
Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

CABINET FLIGHT

Cameron,Osborne and Clegg  are on a long flight in RAF One.Osborne pulls out a £100 note and says "I'm going to throw this £100 note out and make someone down below happy." not wanting to be outdone, Clegg, says, "If that was my £100 note, I would split it into 2 x £50 notes and make two people down below happy." Of course Cameron doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would take 100 x £1 notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 50 million people happy."

RAF ONE

RAF One was carrying the PM and the entire Tory cabinet when it crashed in the middle of rural Norfolk. Panic stricken, MI5 descended on the area in force. When they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a field bordering a farm. The MI5 officers checked the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Tory cabinet. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over and surrounded the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior MI5 agent asked, "did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did. " The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realise that the airplane was carrying  the Prime Minister and the entire Tory cabinet?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The Prime Minister  is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't ... but you know what a lying bastard he is."

UNDERSTANDING THE POLITICAL SYSTEM

Understanding the Political System
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: " Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.”

Tall ,handsome ,and with experience on Broadway ,he had the right credentials .The agent asked ,”What ‘s your name ?” The guy said “My name is Penis van Lesbian .”

The agent said “Sir ,I hate to tell you but in order to get into Hollywood ,you are going to have to change your name .”

“I will not change my name ! The van Lesbian name is centuries old ,I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name . Not ever

The agent said “Sir I have worked in Hollywood for years…..you will NEVER go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian !I’m telling you ,you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not represent you”

“So be it I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and left the office .

FIVE YEARS LATER….The agent opens a letter sent to his office .Inside was a cheque for £30,000.The agent is gobsmacked ,who would possibly send him £30,000? He reads the enclosed letter .

Dear Sir ,five years ago I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood ,you told me I needed to change my name .Determined to make it with my God-given birth name ,I refused .You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian .After I left your office ,I thought about what you had said .I decided you were right .I had to change my name .I had too much pride to return to your office ,so I signed with another agent .

I would never have made it without changing my name ,so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation .Thank you for your advice

Yours sincerely

Dick van Dyke .

THEY ARE EITHER IMPOTENT TOWARDS WORK - OR EXCEPTIONALLY PROLIFIC IN A PEOPLE EXPLOSION

EU GONE MAD

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

ENGLISH DEMOCRACY

The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when the English work and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But Dad, aren't the English people unhappy about that?"

"Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism.'"

UNION FLAG TO BE CHANGED

 

Tony Blair and Gordon Brown today announced that they are changing our Union Flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

HEALTH CARE

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions. ·         Make your MP work. don't vote for him! ·         During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country. ·         Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue. ·         Party Political Broadcasts prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

  A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back......... Because of the cut backs, Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me and Leroy.

NEW GOVERNMENT SCHEME

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Parliament has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Parliament deems appropriate.

CAMERON & LADIES OF THE NIGHT

 

David Cameron was looking for a prostitute in Grimsby.He found three such girls in Wetherspoons a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.Now how much would it cost to spend some time with you ?  She replied, "£50".
  To the brunette he asked the same question.Her reply was "£25".

He then asked the redhead...         Her reply was:   

"Mr. Cameron, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, & keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have the pensioners; then you can have it for free, just like everything immigrants get"

 

 

 

.

 '

  

CAMERONS WORDS OF WISDOM

"We spend billions of pounds on Welfare ,yet millions are Trapped on Welfare .It's not worth their while going to work ".

David Camerom